Everyone has one, a twitchy little vice that helps to while away the time and bring a little color to the period between dinner and whatever ungodly hour finally marks bedtime. Some people look at porn. Some people read Encyclopedia Dramatica. Some people read books, but I hear that’s rare these days.
Me? I browse anime download sites looking for the series with the most interesting titles and download them out of curiosity. Sometimes, the result is <a href=http://anidb.net/perl-bin/animedb.pl?show=anime&aid=4897>Baccano</a>, and I can proudly tell my friends about the hidden gem I’ve discovered, sparking countless marathons and cries of gratitude.
Sometimes, the result is Butt Attack Punisher Girl Gautaman (Dengeki Oshioki Musume Gootaman). With a title like that, I should have known better, but the fact is that I still haven’t decided whether or not watching it was a mistake.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Our heroine, a sweet, naïve girl named Mari, goes to Perfect Religion Academy so that she can become a missionary just like her idol, Mother Theresa. She’s a Christian in a school filled with students of all religions; Mari’s motorcyclist roommate is a Hindu, and Buddhists can be seen meditating on the schoolyard, and the school is home to an evil cult called Black Buddha. On paper, Black Buddha is all about conquering the world through forced conversions, but really they just molest people. As soon as she settles into the dorm at PR, Mari wakes up in the night to discover that her roommate has been kidnapped and probably molested! She prays to God and the Virgin Mary to help her, but she dialed a celestial wrong number, and Buddha turns up instead. Buddha grants her the power to transform into Gautaman, a sumo-belt wearing superhero whose powers are apparently activated by wedgies. She fights the evil Brainwashing Demons to free her school from the grip of Black Buddha.
Mostly, she just fights to save her roommate, because Saori, despite being a tall, tough, athletic girl, is constantly abducted, or bound, or whipped, and definitely molested. She’s Gautaman’s damsel in distress and biggest fan, and the best corner in the series’ awesome love triangle. You see, for those viewers who won’t guess at the series’s obvious stereotyping, Saori is a lesbian overwhelmed with forbidden love for her helpless new roomie slash heroic savior. But, Mari meets the man of her dreams at PR, a tall fellow with long, silver hair that quite clearly denotes him as the villain. Despite an argument in which he calls her a whore and she says she hates him, they seem destined for true love even though he’s pretty obviously evil and she’s pretty lousy at hiding her secret identity.
This anime has everything. I don’t mean this in the hollow, idiomatic infomercial sense of the word “everything”. I mean that this anime features:
- A sumo monster in a Darth Vader mask. His power is smelling really bad.
- Several instances of Gautaman’s butt being used as a plot point, including:
- Attempts to identify her butt among the female students
- Attempts to compare the school’s girls to a butt-print of Gautaman
- One instance in which the glare from her magnificent butt <i>cures brainwashing</i>
- A Terminator sequence, complete with It’s-Not-Really-Dead eyelights
- Tentacle molestation
- Spanking
- Something alarmingly close to incest
- Lesbians (obviously)
- Dong jokes
- Jesus saying “No, it’s cool. Go ahead with this Buddha thing.”
- Bad animal impressions
- A newspaper that shortens the life of anyone who reads it
- The unmistakable feeling that your humanity is slowly draining away
- Animation that looks like it’s from the 80s but was really produced in 94.
- At least seventy moments that will make so little sense you will swear aloud.
I don’t think much more needs to be said. If Butt Attack Punisher Girl was a video game, Jack Thompson would have an aneurysm. If Butt Attack Punisher Girl was a candy, it would instantly turn your teeth into little sponges and all your friends would laugh at you for eating that awful shit.
Butt Attack Punisher Girl Gautaman is a lot of things. It’s stupid. It’s crude. It’s nonsensical. It’s poorly animated and even more poorly-written. It stops just short of being pornographic, for better or for worse. But, it’s just the kind of full-throttle stupid that deserves to be watched drunk with good friends, and then inflicted on more people, and it’s definitely one of a kind. I guarantee you that you haven’t seen anything quite like it.
But I still can’t tell you whether or not that’s a bad thing.
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